- student: hey government can I have some money to go to university
- uk government: sure here you go. you'll have to pay it back but only when you're earning £21,000+ a year, and if you don't pay it off after 30 years we'll just write it off, don't worry about it man
- scottish government: nah man just go to uni we ain't gonna charge you
- us government: no. you gotta pay it yourself. upfront. your parents have to save up from the moment you're born. good luck, fucker.
today at work a little girl and her dad came through my line and she picked up two things of altoids and she was like “daddy let’s get the same flavor! so when you’re in afghanistan i can eat mine and you can eat yours and we can be together!” and me and my cashier just stood there like DON’T CRY DON’T FUCKING CRY DON’T BE A BABY AND FUCKING CRY
and then they left and we fucking wailed like children
IF SOMEONE MAKES YOU FEEL BAD FOR THE BANDS YOU LISTEN TO OR THE WAY YOU TAKE YOUR COFFEE OR HOW YOU WEAR YOUR HAIR OR WHAT YOU WEAR OR THE WAY YOUR LAUGH SOUNDS THEN FUCKING DROP THEM LIKE THE PIECE OF SHIT THEY ARE AND GO FIND SOMEONE WHO THINKS YOUR LAUGH SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST GODDAMN SONG THEY’VE EVER HEARD AND OFFERS TO MAKE YOUR COFFEE FOR YOU AND THINKS YOU DRESS LIKE ART
Oh, so women can’t dress how they want because men can’t control their sexual urges? When dogs can’t control their sexual urges, we cut off their balls.
I think I’m onto something here.